


Face those you have lost

by ticketyboo00



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Everyone finds out about Freya, Everyone must face the people they have lost, Gen, Ghosts, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), The knights find out about merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:02:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticketyboo00/pseuds/ticketyboo00
Summary: Merlin and the knights must face the ghosts of those they have lost.Arthur’s are predictable.Gwaine’s are surprising.Merlin’s change everything the knights thought they knew about him.
Relationships: Freya/Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Ygraine de Bois/Uther Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 546
Collections: Merlin





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t put too much detail into everyone else’s ghosts, I really wanted to get into Merlin’s I will probably write the confrontation science, then maybe do a chapter for each individual knight. I would appreciate ideas for each knight for further chapters.
> 
> Enjoy!

“It’s simple,” said the sorceress guarding the bridge, “to pass through, you must confront those you have lost. Beware, you may not like what they have to say.”

Merlin and the knights looked at Arthur. It was imperative that they get to the other side, there was no other way to get to their destination. (It was a Very Important Quest. Hard to remember what it was about when faced with a sorceress threatening to bring back the dead) 

“Very well. We will face those we have lost. But be warned, witch, if you try anything I will cut you down where you stand,” said Arthur. 

The sorceress laughed, “Who first, then?”

Leon stepped forward, but looked back to speak to Arthur, “I will. As first knight, that is my duty.”

Arthur and the sorceress nodded acknowledgement in sync. It was strange and added to the errieness of the situation. 

“Sir Leon, first knight of Camelot, step forth and face your beloved dead.” 

A woman appeared, shorter than Leon, but was obviously his mother. 

Leon confirmed this as he let out a breath, “Mother?” 

“Leon, my dear,” she smiled at him, but then her face hardened, “a disgrace. You're an embarrassment to our family. No lands, no wealth. What will you do as you grow old? Starve? You’re pathetic.”

Leon was shocked by this, and tried to mutter some response, but the apparition of his mother disappeared. 

“Sir Leon, first knight of Camelot, has faced his dead. He, and he alone, may cross.”

Leon bowed his head, and did not look at anyone in his party as he crossed the bridge. Immediately, he sank onto a log and put his head in his hands. 

Merlin leaned over to Arthur, “The dead are speaking of our worst fears and insecurities, Arthur. Be careful.” 

Arthur bristled, and looked back to Merlin, “I can handle some ghosts, Merlin. They are just words, they can’t hurt you.”

Arthur was confused, Merlin looked absolutely terrified. 

The king stepped forward. “I shall go next.”

“Arthur Pendragon, the Once and Future King, King of Camelot, step forth, and face your dead.”

Arthur stepped forward. A blonde woman, no older than Arthur himself, appeared. 

“Mother.” 

Ygraine shook her head, “You are no son of mine. You are a miscarriage of justice, allowing crime and chaos to run rampent in your kingdom.

I have no wish to see you, or call you my son.”

Ygraine vanished, leaving a devastated King behind. 

Uther Pendragon appeared in her stead. 

This time, Arthur was allowed to respond. It was like he had never left, running over arguments of allowing common born men to be knights and Arthur’s worthiness of the kingship. Uther didn’t leave until Arthur declared himself worthy of his throne. 

Arthur looked proudly at the sorceress, awaiting her judgment. 

“Arthur Pendragon, the Once and Future King, King of Camelot, has faced his dead. He, and he alone, may cross the bridge.”

Arthur crossed, and sat next to Leon. He seemed unsure of how to comfort the man, and simply put a hand on his shoulder. 

Percival stepped forward, and the others turned their backs for privacy. A whole family appeared. Two older adults, a beautiful young woman, and three children appeared. 

Gwaine, Elyan, and Merlin covered their ears against the ringing accusations. 

“You could have protected me! Why didn’t you? Daddy, Daddy, why didn’t you save me?”

Arthur had to blink back tears. When he heard Percival had lost his family, he thought it was just his parents, maybe a beloved cousin. He hadn’t known Percival had been a father, a husband. Percival had lost more than Arthur had ever known. He vowed to keep his worries about his heirs to himself and Merlin from now on. 

Percival was eventually granted passage, his face shining with tears. On the other side, both Leon and Arthur tried to comfort him. Seeing as they were knights in the rigidiest way possible, they didn’t do a very good job. 

Elyan stepped forward, confronted with his mother who rebuked him for having no successes of his own. He was only a knight because his sister was the Queen. Why couldn’t he be more like her? 

Elyan’s father lectured him at length for abandoning his family. When Elyan told him that he was now living in Camelot with Gwen, his father disappeared. 

Elyan looked stronger for having faced his parents, but Arthur wasn’t really paying attention. He wanted to see what Gwaine saw. He knew almost nothing about the man, who dodged questions about his past with ease. 

A man stepped forward. A nobleman. Not just a nobleman, Arthur realized. A knight. 

“So, this is what my son has come to. Not only is he a pathetic excuse for a man, he is a pathetic excuse for a knight. Serving Camelot? What was wrong with your home kingdom? Not good enough for you? Abandoning your heritage, our house?”

When he spoke, Gwaine’s voice was surprisingly even, “I have become a knight on my own merits, Father, not trading on the value of my name. And I serve a good king, I am proud of that.”

The knight scoffed, but the response must have worked, because he disappeared.

Arthur was stunned. He thought Gwaine was common born. But he was a nobleman? Important enough that Gwaine seemed to think he would be knighted on his name alone? 

The woman who appeared lectured Gwaine on his drunkenness and loneliness. Gwaine easily rebuffed her by pointing out he was a knight, and he wasn’t lonely, he had Merlin. 

Merlin looked proud to be so easily declared Gwaine’s friend. 

Arthur wanted to know if Merlin’s father would appear. He hadn’t lost anyone else, but Merlin never knew his father. Would it still count? 

“Lord Emrys, step forth and face your dead.”

Merlin did not look particularly shocked by this address. Was he hiding a nobleman background too? Lord? Lord of what? 

Arthur was beyond curious now. Who was important to this Lord who lived in the household of a foreign kingdom? 

A young man that Arthur vaguely recognized appeared. 

Hang on, that was Will, the man from Ealdor. How could Merlin be a Lord if he grew up in a village? 

“Will,” Merlin breathed. 

“Hello Merlin. Still serving that prat of a prince?”

Arthur bristled. He was a king now!

“Yes, I am. He’s my friend.” 

Will scoffed, “No, I was your friend. You could have told me anything, and I still would be. One wrong move with the Princess and your head is on the chopping block. Real friends don’t have to worry about being killed for who they are.”

Arthur was shocked. Merlin thought he was going to kill him? Why? What did Will know? Surely Merlin didn’t think Arthur would kill him?

Merlin’s next words denied this thought. 

“I know, I know. One wrong move and I end up on the pyre but that’s the way it has to be. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“You don’t know the first thing about friends! I was your first and last real friend. No one knows who you are and you let me die! You’re a terrible friend. 

“I wish I’d never met you. I would still be alive.”

Will disappeared, leaving an obviously crying Merlin. 

Arthur felt for him, but there was nothing Merlin could have done. Will chose to save Arthur’s life, end of story. 

Was Merlin’s father going to appear? Everyone else had their parents appear. But Merlin had never known his father, so who knew if he was even dead. 

Arthur was beyond surprised when a beautiful young woman stood before Merlin. She had long black hair, and an elegant dress that looked oddly familiar. Was this a cousin or something? Arthur knew he was kidding himself. Merlin didn’t have family that beautiful. 

Merlin started to cry harder, “Freya.”

“Hello, my love”

Arthur couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Merlin had loved someone, enough that she appeared in his beloved dead? Why didn’t Arthur know? 

“Freya, I’ve missed you. Every day, I’ve missed you.” 

Freya stepped forward and held Merlin in her arms. Merlin embraced her right back. 

The apparitions could touch them? No one else had gotten a hug, not even if they’d needed one. 

“That’s your own fault, my love. You miss me because you failed to protect me. You said you would cure me and save me, but you failed.”

Arthur’s heart ached for Merlin. It sounded like Percival’s family, but a thousand times worse because she didn’t scream these accusations, but said them lovingly while holding him. 

“I tried, I tried so hard to protect you, Freya, please understand-”

“You let him kill me.” 

The sentence interrupted Merlin’s pleas for forgiveness. He looked shocked and betrayed, and stepped back from the embrace.

She hadn’t died from a disease, she died from violence at the hands of another man. 

“You were there, watching, as him and his men tried to kill me. You saw the blade pierce my side and you did nothing.

“You might as well have killed me yourself.”

“Freya, please, I did all I could. It wasn’t Arthur’s fault.”

Arthur felt his stomach drop out. The knights (who had been trying to pretend they weren’t listening) suddenly snapped to attention. 

Arthur killed this woman? The woman Merlin loved so fiercely? She had died not from whatever disease was going to kill her, but cold steel. Merlin had watched Arthur kill her, did nothing, and said nothing. 

“It was his fault. It was his sword no? The one you polished, just that morning?”

Any hopes Arthur had of this being before Arthur knew him were gone. Arthur killed the woman Merlin loved, and he never said a word. 

Merlin was in so much pain, “Freya, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

“Goodbye, my love.”

She disappeared. 

Arthur was reeling. The knights looked at each other, whispering nervously. 

“Who was that?” asked Gwaine, “Why did you kill her, Arthur?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember.” 

And that was the worst part, he didn’t even remember taking her life, couldn’t place her face. 

Gwaine looked as disgusted with Arthur as Arthur felt. Was this what Will had meant when he said none of his ‘friends’ knew who Merlin was? Not a happy go lucky boy, but a man who had lost so much the only way to go forward was to forget the woman he loved. 

Merlin had had two ghosts. That was average for them, Percival had had more but they appeared altogether. Arthur assumed he was done now. 

He was wrong. 

This time, Arthur did recognize Merlin’s visitor, and he did so immediately. 

Balinor, the Last Dragonlord. 

Arthur felt his worldview tipping dangerously towards outrageous. He could feel that these next words were about to change him, forever. 

“Hello, father.”

“My son.”

Arthur couldn’t breathe, Leon noticed. 

“Sire, who is that?”

Arthur swallowed, “I went on a quest, many years ago, to seek that man. The Great Dragon was attacking Camelot, so we needed a Dragonlord. Balinor was the last.”

Leon couldn’t believe his ears. Merlin’s father was a Dragonlord? The comment about his friends not knowing who he was made more sense now. 

“Have I made you proud, father?” Merlin’s question was pathetic, but he already looked pathetic, a crying, red faced boy in front of the hulking Dragonlord. 

“My son, you have made a fine Dragonlord. Tamed Kilgharrah, the Great Dragon, and hatched the White Dragon of Albion. For that, I am proud of you.

“I simply wish you were man enough to tell the world of your gifts. When I served on Uther’s court, he knew who I was, and respected me. You hide in the shadows, no one knowing you are the Last Dragonlord. Our race will die in hiding, and in shame.”

Merlin looked brave enough to retort, “It would have done that if I were the Last or if you were. Do not lecture me on legacy. You didn’t even know you had a son.” 

Arthur was in shock. Merlin, not Balinor, was the last Dragonlord. And the dragon that lived under Camelot wasn’t the last. It sounded like there was one or two more, and Merlin knew where they were. 

Balinor bower his head, “That is indeed true. Be strong, my son.”

With that, he disappeared. Merlin looked reassured by his father’s words. 

Arthur waited for the sorceress to declare that Merlin could cross. He had suffered such pain. There was no one else he could have lost, right? 

The next ghost was also a surprise, but perhaps it shouldn’t have been. Merlin had always been close with the noblest of his knights. 

“Hello, Merlin.”

“Hello, Lancelot.”

Lancelot smilied, oh, how he had missed that smile. The knights were hyper focused on their lost brother in arms. (Though they looked slightly ashamed that he wasn’t loved enough by them to appear when they went)

“Do you remember the day I met you?”

“Yea, of course I do. You saved my life, rescued me from the griffin.” 

“I wanted to be a knight, remember? You said you could get me an audience with Arthur.”

Merlin frowned, he didn’t know where this was going. 

“I remember. And I did. I helped Gwen get you a suit of armor and everything.”

Lancelot laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh anyone remembered Lancelot producing. 

“That’s not all you gave me. Forged papers. Fifth son of Northumbria. You made me a liar.”

Wait, Merlin made those forged papers? 

“I know, and I’m sorry. I thought you deserved to be a knight. Pass the test, tell Arthur the truth eventually, and get in on your own merit. The rules were unfair.”

“ ‘Tell Arthur eventually.’” Lancelot mocked, “is that what you tell yourself, you liar? It wasn’t enough that you lie to everyone every day about who and what you are, you had to get me into it too, didn’t you? I had to be a liar too? Merlin and Lancelot, the liars of Camelot. 

“Unfair as the rules were (and still are, in your case) I was still in violation of them, disgraced myself in front of the King and his court.” 

Arthur remembered these events, but not with this detail. Obviously, the code declaring knights could only be high born was wrong. But what rule did Merlin violate that was still around? According to Will, Merlin thought he could be killed for it. 

“And then I tried to save you from the griffin again. You spelled my lance to kill the griffin, saving my life.”

Spelled? What on earth was Lancelot talking about?

Merlin’s face was pale as death, his gaze fixed on Lancelot's mouth, watching him speak the words that led to his doom. 

“You are a sorcerer. I couldn’t escape the lies you burdened me with, so I had to bear yours as well. Every time I saw you, I had to treat you as lower than you were, because you lie to everyone about yourself. Arthur spends so much time protecting you, and you let him think he is, when it’s you protecting him with your sorcery. You’re a liar, not a bumbling manservant. You’re a liar, a sorcerer, a Dragonlord, a deceiver. I’ve lied to everyone in my life, because of you. 

“I hope you’re happy, Merlin. I do,” Lancelot spat, and disappeared. 

The knights were in shock. Merlin, according to Lancelot, was a sorcerer, and had lied to them every day. Lancelot knew, was a party to those lies. 

That wasn’t the last of Merlin’s dead. 

Merlin appeared, but a younger, more naïve version than the one who stood with tears in his eyes. 

“So this is what I’ve become. A waste of a destiny.”

Merlin was dead? Arthur shook his head. It must be a metaphor. Merlin must have killed a version of himself, somehow. 

“How am I here? I’m not dead,” Merlin turned to the sorceress for an explanation. 

“Emrys, you are immortal. You have died many times over.” 

WHAT?! The knights let out a gasp. Merlin was immortal? 

Merlin shook his head, “I’m not surprised. I should have figured that out.” 

The younger Merlin laughed, “You should have figured a lot of things out. How to save Will, Gwen’s Father, your father, Lancelot. 

“So many people died because of you, but that’s fine, it’s your destiny right?

“You have failed your destiny. Arthur lives, yes, but where is Albion? You promised to return Magic to the land. I don’t see it. All these years, and you have still done nothing.”

Merlin, the real Merlin, said, “That’s not true. I am doing all I can.”

“Then why does Mordred live? Morgana? You had so many opportunities to kill them, yet you let them live. You have failed your destiny, lied to everyone around you for no reason.”

The real Merlin sighed, “I know. I know. I never asked for this destiny! I never asked to be Emrys, serve an ungrateful king!” 

“You’re a waste of a life. It would be better if you ended it now, told Arthur who you are, what you’ve done, all the lives you’ve ended. I assure you, he would not hesitate to end your pathetic existence like you have.”

A raw laugh escaped the real Merlin, “He can’t. You heard the sorceress. I can’t escape my life, my destiny, even if I wanted to.”

“Sure he can kill you. You made the weapon for him. The mighty Excalibur, forged in the breath of a dragon. He can, and will kill you if he finds out. 

The real Merlin sighed, “I know.”

“The most pathetic part?” The younger Merlin spat, “You would let him.”

This time, the real Merlin looked up.

“I know.”

The younger Merlin disappeared. 

“Lord Emrys has faced his dead. He may cross.”

Merlin, shaking and crying, crossed the bridge. Every eye was on him. Merlin finally realized this as he reached the knight’s side. 

“You didn’t… hear any of that, did you?”

The knights could only stare in shock, open mouthed. 

Arthur was a king, he could respond to one measly servant. 

Except, he wasn’t just a servant, was he? He was a man with no real friends, lost the love of his life. A Dragonlord, a sorcerer, with a destiny too heavy for one man to bear alone. 

“We heard every word. Merlin. Or should I call you Emrys?”

Merlin blanched.


	2. Face those still living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yea, they heard him. Now, what was Arthur going to do with his sorcerer?

“So, you’re a sorcerer?” Arthur asked, but it wasn’t really a question, “or was that more lies to make us pity you? Is your name even Merlin?”

Percival’s reaction was immediate, and shocking for those who knew the gentle giant.

“Your Majesty! A man is forced to relive his darkest moments and you ask him if he’s a liar? That’s his greatest fear!”

Arthur just stared at Percival, distracted from the servant he thought he knew.

“Sire, I believe Percival is right. Give Merlin a chance to explain himself.” That was Leon. Merlin was warmed by the show of support for the most rule-following of the knights. If Leon could justify it, Arthur would listen. 

“Merlin, mate, you’re our friend, my friend. Don’t listen to those ghosts, we’re in this no matter what.” Gwaine was angry, at first, that Merlin didn’t tell him his secret. But he was man enough to realize that Merlin was terrified beyond reason and the last thing he needed was an angry friend. He would get enough venom from Arthur, he didn’t need it from Gwaine, too.

Merlin had stopped crying. If he was facing his worst fear, he was doing it with three friends on his side. Will was lying, he did have unconditional friendship.

“I’m sorry Arthur. I am. I am a sorcerer, a Dragonlord. I’ve only ever used my powers for you, for Camelot. I use it to protect you. My name is Merlin. Emrys is just something all the other magical people call me.”

Gwaine decided his new role in this showdown was comfort for Merlin, and lowering the stakes. Merlin thought his head was going to get chopped off? Gwaine would show him that the worst case scenario was getting sent to the stocks. Arthur was just a man, not an all knowing judge. 

“Well I bet that’s a full time occupation. Princess here gets himself into loads of dangerous situations. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve saved him from?”

Merlin let out a laugh, happy to turn from Arthur’s fury to Gwaine’s easy smile, “One time, a goblin cursed him with donkey ears, took me hours to undo the enchantment. Gwaine, you would not believe the number of beautiful women I’ve had to save him from, they’re all fixated on kissing and killing him.”

Beautiful women. Merlin had loved a beautiful woman. 

“Who was that girl?” Arthur couldn’t figure out where the question had come from, and realized he had asked it.

Merlin’s smile turned sad. “That was Freya. She got captured by a bounty hunter. I freed her.”

Arthur was incredulous, “You freed a prisoner of Camelot?”

“She was cursed!” Merlin was angry now, apparently he would allow slights on his character, but not Freya’s. “She was alone, afraid in a country that hated what she was! Of course I saved her!”

Percival’s heart ached for Merlin. Merlin reminded him of a child, so easily able to see problems with others, but not in himself. Freya was just what Merlin wanted for himself, a knight in shining armor to rescue him from loneliness and fear. 

“There’s no crime in rescuing others imprisoned unfairly. That was a kind thing for you to do,” Percival said. 

“Thanks, Percival,” Merlin kept talking, “a long time ago, a man tried to… attack her. She killed him out of self defense. His mother cursed her to roam the night, unable to stop herself from killing indiscriminately. Her own worst nightmare. I thought I could cure her. We were going to leave Camelot, spare everyone until I figured it out. I could have,” Merlin sighed wistfully, “I know I could have. But she didn’t want me to throw my life away. She left without telling me, but you found her, Arthur.”

“You were going to leave?” Arthur couldn’t believe it. Merlin would never abandon Camelot!

“I was. But the curse took over at night, and you found her while she was forced to kill in the form of a giant cat, a baset. You had no choice.”

So that’s why Arthur hadn’t recognized her, she was cursed to look like a giant cat!

“Arthur killed her, so I took her to the lake of Avalon for a proper ceremony. Her family abandoned her, so it was just me.”

Sorcerers don’t deserve an honorable ceremony, Leon knew that. But Leon would give Merlin a proper burial, and if he was a sorcerer, it must be ok. A young woman, cursed and alone, laid to rest by her lover was never evil. Leon couldn’t find it in his heart to condemn her rescue or last rites. 

“I failed her.”

“No you didn’t Merlin, you did all you could,” Gwaine said, gently. 

“That’s enough story, what are you going to do with me?” Merlin was looking at Arthur. 

“Am I going to burn?”

Arthur’s stomach dropped. Merlin couldn’t seriously think he would do that, did he? But Arthur recalled the ghosts, Merlin certainly thought about it all the time. 

“No.” There, he said it. He wasn’t going to kill Merlin, so he waited for the joyous response. 

“Are you going to banish me? Because I would like to say goodbye to Gauis. He’s like a father to me.”

Father. Merlin was a Dragonlord. He couldn’t believe he forgot that. 

“If you’re banishing him, Princess, then you better banish me too. Merlin’s my friend,” Gwaine stated easily. Gwaine was loyal to Merlin first. 

“And I,” Percival said. He had lost one family. He wouldn’t lose this one without a fight. 

Poor Leon looked torn, he didn’t want to choose between his brothers and his king.

“No, no banishments. I just don’t know what to do! You’ve lied to me for so long Merlin! I can’t just forgive that.” Arthur didn’t know what to do, his kingdom was separating at the seams. 

“I don’t expect you to. Just, promise you’ll try to forgive me? Not now, but someday?”

Arthur looked at his servant, his friend, who had lost so much. He had lost more than Arthur had ever known, and had done so alone because he thought he was incapable of being forgiven. If Arthur refused to promise now, it would show that Merlin had been right all along. Anything less than full acceptance, a reinstatement of magic would say, ‘Merlin, your worst fears are correct, you were never friends with me, and I will condemn you for who you are.’ 

“I will… attempt to forgive you.” 

Merlin was relieved then. He got to keep his head, and his family. Gwaine was happy for him. 

Leon said, “Sire, what are you going to do about the laws? Sorcery is still banished. No offense Merlin-”

“None taken”

“But if you are seen to harbor a sorcerer as an exception, you will be unable to enforce the ban. Unless,” Leon added hopefully, “you’re planning on repealing the law?”

“Oh sod the law!” All eyes turned to Percival. “The law took everything from Merlin, and now you’re debating if you can keep doing it to others? How many people does Merlin need to lose, how many times does he have to save you to prove the law is wrong?”

Arthur was shocked. How dare Percival speak to him like that. 

But, Arthur admitted privately, he wasn’t wrong. Merlin lived and lost in fear of him, his laws, his rule. It had to be changed. 

“Fine. Dangerous sorcery will still be outlawed. But those with magic will be persecuted no longer. Happy now? I don’t have a rebellion on my hands anymore?” Arthur asked. 

“Do you really mean that?” Merlin was crying again. God, he really was a girl. 

“I give my word.” That was something Arthur believed in. His word was his bond. 

“Thank you Arthur, thank you,” Merlin was overjoyed. Arthur had never seen someone look so happy while crying. 

Gwaine clapped a hand on his shoulder, “cheers for that, mate!”

Leon smiled faintly, and Percival wrapped Merlin in a big bear hug, and let him cry all he wanted. 

The sorcereress was pleased. She had seen many relationships change when crossing her bridge. Never before had she played a part in destiny, or saved so many lives. 

Though, that’s why her bridge existed. Face those you have lost, face your fears, and you will build more bridges. 

Three knights, a king, and a sorcerer continued their quest.


End file.
